The premise may seem far-fetched, but not if you consider that Morocco offered bomb-sniffing monkeys to the “coalition of the willing” for the Iraq War. The leader of the G-Force team is an unconventional human scientist named Ben. The guinea pigs are cast as racial stereotypes.
Clash of the Titans would be more entertaining if it were filmed like Remember the Titans.
It would be awesome to see a bunch of mythological beasts form teams and play football. Better yet, have Denzel Washington give a motivating speech to the cast of monsters in a locker room. The kraken could be the quarterback while some centaurs play tackle. Instead we get just a rehash of the 1981 movie, which was shot in the same stop-motion style as Jason and the Argonauts. This version becomes easily forgettable, especially since audiences just endured Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief.
In Greek mythology, the Gods were infamous for their adultery, but it never occurred to them to be discreet. While cheating on their partners and leaving bastard children behind, they never once thought to use Ashley Madison. Perseus is one such example, born due to an affair between Zeus and a human empress. Subsequently, the King discovers the empress has cheated on him and tries to kill baby Perseus out of spite. Luckily he is rescued by a kindly fisherman who raises him as his son. The story jumps forward to when Perseus is a full grown man (Sam Worthington, or “dude from Avatar”).
One day our hero is just quietly fishing at sea, only to come across a giant statue being toppled at the edge of a cliff. Hades then appears in the form of a “smoke monster” and kills the humans who demolished it. It’s the first sign for Perseus that chaos is about to reign in his life as he is pulled into a crazy adventure full of plot holes. All that’s left is for Jacob to appear and give some vague and ambiguous advice and suddenly this is a bad episode of Lost.
The plot revolves around a conflict between humanity and the Olympian Gods. The Gods themselves looks like something that was fashioned by a heavy metal band. Zeus (Liam Neeson) wears armour that displays more chrome than the Silver Surfer. Meanwhile Hades, played by Ralph Fiennes, ends up looking like an uber-goth Rob Zombie combined with Gandalf. Even a minor character, King Cepheus, reappears as a mutated freak, making him look like a reject member of GWAR. Next thing you know, the film will start to use a rock-opera soundtrack and a cameo will be made by KISS.
Based on their stellar costume design and metal attitude, the Gods assume that humanity should act like a bunch of fans for their sheer awesomeness. However, mankind has been somewhat rebellious lately, so Zeus calls a board meeting to figure out how to punish them. Hades then suggests releasing the Kraken, a giant squid monster that’s comparable to Godzilla. Zeus is convinced to go along with this idea, despite the fact that Hades is an obvious villain with a motive for revenge.
This continues to be a big plot hole throughout the movie, since the story revolves around Perseus trying to find a way to kill the Kraken. Several times Zeus keeps sending him kick ass stuff to accomplish this task. Just by wondering through the woods he finds a magic sword, a Pegasus to ride on, a fairy god mother, and a magic coin that acts as a key to the Underworld. If his journey were made any more convenient, Perseus would be riding around in a Helicoptor with a mounted laser gun and heat seeking missiles. Ironically, the hero rejects this arsenal and opts for killing beasts the old fashioned way. Using a rusty old blade, a little elbow grease, and more guts than the army from 300.
The dialgue in this movie is painfully contrived. There is one scene where the female protagonist Io gives the default love confession, as she states something like “As your gaurdian Angel, I’ve loved you all my life Perseus“. It’s merely an attempt to ad some artificial romance to an otherwise manly action flick. In comparison, we get a much more convincing performance out of a badass desert warlock known as a Djinn. He can’t speak normally, so his speech consists only of the occasional “Haa” followed by some demonic gibberish. Yet somehow he seems more interesting than anybody else, although thats not saying much. Sadly, he just seems like a rip off of the Sand people from the Star Wars franchise.
In conclusion, the main story just consists mostly of going from point A to B to C. First Perseus has to find three witches, then decapitate the head of the Medusa, and finally goes back to slay the Kraken. On paper it sounds like the premise for levels of a video game. All that’s really happening is watching the protagonist collecting keys to get to the next dungeon. Hades ends up providing the ultimate boss fight, but it’s over in about a minute. So save yourself the effort of watching this CGI massacre and spend your money on a game rental instead, like God of War 3.
Thanks to Tim Burton, we now know how Alice felt after she tumbled down the rabbit hole. His effort at a reboot of the classic tale ends up filled with plot holes,
With cult classics like The Nightmare Before Christmas and pop-culture mediocrity like Batman Returns, Burton has managed to attract a wide fan base that include both sad emo-goths and pathetic comic fanboys. It’s too bad the suffering inflicted by this putrid movie isn’t just limited to those isolated groups, but must be felt by everyone looking forward to a unique remake of this classic Disney tale.
However, there is only one thing to deem this latest work, a “DEMAKE”. By definition, a DEMAKE is basically when Hollywood decides to rehash older movies with a more modern style, but end up tarnishing what made the original unique.
With Alice, the result is that it perverts the nostalgic memory of the classic fairy tale with Burton’s abstract fetishism. The only thing to look forward to after watching it is to follow the plots main message. Take a bunch of random pills, drink from any bottle you can find, and hope things will work out for the best.
Alice is now age 20, and is going through a period of angst where she cannot escape the confines of her mundane life. The good news is she is able to revisit Wonderland. The bad news is the Red Queen has taken control of Wonderland with an iron fist of fascist rule. Thanks to the power of the Jabberwocky, a generic dragon monster, her claim to the throne has gone unchallenged. Meanwhile, you could say the power has “gone to her head”…literally. Her head is freakishly large, resembling an abomination of Valentine’s Day merchandise fused with a cancerous tumour. Not unlike most Hallmark cards denoting this crassly commercial holiday.
Not only has the story been recycled, but the style is aggravatingly cliché. This is no surprise, since Burton’s movies are stamped with his brand of over-the-top gothic flare. Johnny Depp has become part and parcel of this tired old hand ever since Edward Scissorhands. He is basically just type-cast into replaying the same role – an effeminate and creepy man-child.
Depp may play the part of the Mad Hatter, but looks like he just walked off the set of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (another Burton “demake”). He has a similar top hat, the same Victorian style attire, and more clown make-up than an army of Cirque du Soleil performers.
Seriously, he’s powdered with so much white face paint he makes Albinos look like they’ve been soaking up sun on an equatorial beach.
Alice in Wonderland – Trailer #2 [HD]
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As for his “acting” his emotions seem to be limited to two different settings of crazy. When he is happy he prances about flamboyantly with whimsical charm. When he is angry he incites rebellion against the Red Queen in a harsh and guttural Irish catchphrase. “Down wif’ the bloodee Red Queen!”.
On that note, the “rebels” of this movie are the lamest ever seen on film. It seems that since Alice has been absent, the Hatter has decided to wait at the same Tea Party for the past 13 years. Apparently the mercury poisoning has eroded any of the Hatter’s ability to plan beyond the dessert course, let along mount a grassroots rebellion.
Meanwhile, the magic cake that makes Alice become larger isn’t used to its full potential. Why not just eat the whole thing and become the size of Godzilla? She could just step on the Queen and her little dragon too. End of movie – Wonderland is saved and the audience is put out of its misery.
Unfortunately the audience is made to sit through the tedium of the predictable plot arc until finally Alice does what everyone was telling her to do in the first place and confronts the Jabberwocky. The only missing ingredient from this formulaic tripe was a training montage in which Alice bench presses Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, then runs up a bunch of steps and jumps around victoriously.
As if to add insult to injury, the movie ends with a CG-powered dance from Depp. The awkward and unavoidable wince reaction to this scene is the same emotion you’ll feel every time you recall this sorry “demake” of a movie.