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Growing up we all gain nostalgic memories of our favourite super heroes. Whether it’s watching Superman smash giant monsters or Batman taking out street thugs, we learn the importance of not only good heroism, but good story telling.

Unfortunately Hollywood has no regard of fans’ cherished memories and routinely produces horrid remakes that are completely unfaithful to the original premise. To see an example of a superhero flick gone wrong, just look at anything made by Joel Schumacher, who made the notoriously bad Batman and Robin.

The treatment of the fabled Dragonball franchise by James Wong is no different, as it is a completely inaccurate rendition of what made the original manga comic great. The original story involved the epic journey of a young warrior named Goku. A classic hero’s tale about a boy with incredible strength, sent from an alien world to live out a relatively normal life on earth.

But in the course of his lifetime becomes the most powerful hero in the history of mankind. Sound familiar? Well in a nutshell, it’s a Japanese version of Superman (except he is not from Krypton, and he doesn’t have a cowlick in his hair). The twist is that Goku must collect 7 testicles mystical orbs that summon a wish-granting dragon. No, the dragon is not named “Puff” – though it is magical.

This sorry excuse for anime has too many inaccuracies to count. No doubt fanboys all across the web have already made a sufficient list. No doubt, they’ve been blogging their contempt for this movie from their parents’ basement, while playing Xbox and eating pizza pockets. So the following list has been prepared to briefly summarize what injustice has been done.

• Goku is no longer a care-free kid living in the wilderness, instead he is a bitchy high school student who has about as much masculinity as a backstreet boy, deservingly nick-named “Geeku.”
• The quest for the dragon balls ended in a bloody battle only 2000 years ago… yet no civilization remembers it, nor is it mentioned in any history book, I guess Jesus must have performed a miracle and solved that problem.
• Bulma Briefs is no longer a scientist, but instead a leather-clad, gun-toting assassin who looks like she was a rejected cast member from better action movies. She’s also lacking blue hair.
• Piccolo looks okay, but lacks his signature antennae, and for some reason has force-powers similar to Darth Vader, and for some reason rides around in a blimp as opposed to just flying.
• Significant rip-offs or similarities to other movies, including but not limited to, Mortal Kombat, Star Wars, Spiderman, Twilight, Karate Kid, Pokemon, and Not another Teen Movie.

Not only is the movie unfaithful, its just plain stupid, making ridiculous leaps in logic even by anime standards. In one scene, our heroes get trapped in a hole for several hours, until one character decides “Hey, I can just jump out! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?”

Another scene sees our heroes battling some random ogre monsters, and decide to use their corpses to build a bridge over a pit of lava. What is this, some grotesque version of Frogger?

There is also a training scene where Goku is trying to master the Kamehameha (patent pending). This is a technique that requires throwing a ball of pure energy, that usually takes decades of training to master (like the Hadu-ken from Streetfighter). While initially unsuccessful, Geeku is somehow able to perfect it within seconds, all because he gains a slight boner from his motivational love interest Chi Chi.

If the awfulness of this movie were converted to a power level, it would be over 9000! (inside joke )

Unfortunately, the dragon balls do not exist in real life. If they did I would find them with the sole purpose of granting the wish that DB: Evolution would be wiped out of existence.

Since that’s impossible, I’d rather just get kicked in the balls instead of watching this movie.