If you’ve ever read the children’s book series Clifford, you know it’s about a white family that lets an impossibly large red dog into their home. Despite his monstrous size, they choose to love him and train him to not only fit into society but succeed and become popular.

So if The Blind Side was a movie version of that book, choosing to replace the big red dog with a large black football player, it’d be pretty good. But no, this is a failed attempt at fictionalizing a true story. This movie is so devoid of real conflict and so literally black-and-white in its view of the world that it makes the underlying story seem preposterous.

The film is named after a football term – the side of a quarterback that he can’t see, and therefore is unprotected from except for his offensive line – but by the end of this movie you’ll want to take the title literally and gouge out your own eyes to avoid witnessing one more agonizing moment.

Sandra Bullock plays lead character Leigh Anne Tuohy, a Tennessee suburbanite who has it all – a high-paying job as a home designer, a husband that owns several local restaurants, and two obedient children (though one may be an evil leprechaun.) One night on a drive home, she spots lonely and aimless Michael Oher (played by Quinton Aaron) walking along the streets, with nowhere to go.

Forgetting this is a person and not a lost puppy, she pulls over and picks him up. What looks like a one-night arrangement quickly turns into something more long term, as Tuohy’s pet project fully takes hold.

Starting with the scene where Tuohy sheepishly asks her husband if they can keep Michael, the uncomfortable comparison to a family pet becomes more obvious as this movie ambles along without thought. Tuohy learns that Michael scored well in his “protective instincts” section of the aptitude test and hastily proceeds to treat him as a watch dog. She even encourages him by saying “good boy” at one point.

It’s almost a surprise Michael didn’t lick her face in response, with the stupid happiness of a border collie.

The Tuohy family trains Clifford – I mean Michael – to excel in school and on the football field. His freakish size also helps with the latter part, and he actually just sort of scrapes by with a bare minimum grade. Still, the achievements are put forth as nothing short of miraculous.

The racist undertones of the movie also cause a general uneasiness. The film sells the American dream as some sort of weird mix of Catholic-brand Christianity mixed with guns, football and SUVs. It also implies the ticket to that dream is exclusive to being white – if not in colour, then certainly in lifestyle.

Michael’s only progress in the movie is made when he conforms to the white society around him – first at a Christian school, then in the Tuohy household and on the football team. The only time his success is remotely threatened is when he returns to his old “ghetto” and his black past threatens to ruin his white future.

To really hammer home the thin race stereotypes in this movie, here are some clichéd utterances delivered with straight-faced earnest by the cast:

• “Lord help that child,” bemoans Michael’s mother Denise. “I couldn’t even remember who the boy’s father is.”
• “I will bust a cap in your fat ass,” threatens gangster Marcus.
• “Watchu packin’? .22? A little Saturday night special?” another gem from Marcus.

What makes matters worse is the clichés don’t even hold up a story that seems worth telling. Michael’s bumbling but assured progress to NFL stardom is assured through the movie, without any real agitation to his unique predicament.

When tension does arise, it is for a ridiculous reason. Michael’s major personal introspection is triggered by a paranoid NCAA regulation about where he plays college football. There were so many other worthy opportunities for conflict that using red tape as the catalyst seems like the writers were lost.

When it comes to The Blind Side, see no evil and avoid watching this movie. Instead, check out a couple of Clifford books.

Tags: Clifford, Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

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